The Gnostic International Tribunal (GIT) has just released the top Gnostic stories of 2010. The list ironically begins with the list itself:
10. GIT replaces writer in charge of top Gnostic stories. Last year, a burnt-out podcaster and hack-writer named Miguel Conner was given the sacred task of the 2009 compilation. Conner failed, in the judgment of GIT, and thus was sent to a Pleromic Rehabilitation Interim Camp (PRIC). Conner is once again a dutiful member of the Gnostic community because of the ‘correct’ Gnosis pumped into his simian brain. However, the higher echelons of GIT have decided to democratically choose this year’s list, not bothering to consult with the psychic and hylic rabble that comprises most of the Gnostic community.
9. The success of the movie Inception. This critically acclaimed and box office behemoth delved deep into Philip K. Dick’s postmodern Gnosticism—exploring the inner and outer realities behind mundane reality, deciphering the mystery of human consciousness, and surviving in a world where technology has become a replacement for gods, devils, and even the afterlife. Although several degrees away from Dick’s Gnostic revelations, Inception should be a shot in the arm for several films based on his novels soon to be released (see below).
8. The publication of The Levitikon in English. For the time in history this occult version of The Gospel of John is available in a language other than French. The Levitikon was brought to light by Bernard-Raymond Fabre-Palaprat, founder of the neo-Knight Templar movement and Johannite Church. Fabre-Palaprat allegedly discovered this manuscript in 1814 at a second-hand bookstall and later translated it from Koine Greek to French. Regardless of whether The Levitikon is a rank forgery or a copy of the original good news, this manuscript certainly bestows an intriguing glimpse of the French Gnostic revival of the 19th century that would later influence modern Gnostic religiosity.
7. The resurrection of The Palm Tree Garden (PTG). Once the greatest online oasis for all Gnostic speculation, the PTG forum shut down its bubbling springs in 2008. The rumors are varied for its drying out, although it’s widely accepted the PTG was punished for not paying adequate tithes to GIT. Yet the PTG returned early this year as a Blog, its contributors the core members of the original forum. Penetrating, inspirational, and often incendiary articles took Gnostic communities by storm, creating heated debates across cyberspace on such topics as dualism, the authenticity of modern Gnostic churches, and even if there was ever a Gnostic religion in antiquity. Irrespective of where one stands in their opinion of the PTG, it’s certain that the gates of the Black Iron Prison will shudder even more in 2011.
6. Philip K. Dick’s Radio Free Albemuth is released as a movie. Dick’s semiautobiographical novel was published posthumously in 1985. Dick never released this work because of frustration with his publisher, instead injecting its mystic themes in his exalted Gnostic Valis Trilogy. Set in an alternative reality where an alien, godlike presence attempts to aid humanity in overthrowing a fascist America and its own godlike ruler, Radio Free Albemuth could soon join the hallowed pantheon of Dick novels adapted to the big screen such as Bladerunner, Total Recall, Minority Report, Paycheck, and several others. Although not released in America, GIT is working on getting a distributor. Also look for Dick’s The Adjustment Bureau set to come out in 2011, starring Matt Damon.
5. The release of David Brakke’s The Gnostics: Myth, Ritual and Diversity in Early Christianity. Rarely does a book come out that is both august in its scholarship and penetrates deep into the blazing sun that is Classic Gnosticism. Brakke’s work sets a new course for understanding the ancient heretics, especially the enigmatic Sethians, by keenly deciphering their social, philosophical and theological matrix. Furthermore, Brakke makes a solid case that Gnosticism and Orthodoxy were never at odds, both complementing and overlapping each other in order to give shape to the early, fluid forms of Christianity.
4. The Dead Sea Scrolls available online. Internet giant Google in collaboration with the Israeli Antiquities Authority invested 3.5 million dollars to make the entire collection of these ancient scrolls free on the internet. Approximately 900 manuscripts of the mysterious Qumran Community will be accessible in clear depiction to scholars and conspiracy occultists across the globe. Although well over a generation since they were discovered, controversy and lack of obtainability has left much to be learned concerning these apocalyptic Jewish sectarians who may or may not have been the fabled Essenes. Little evidence connects the Dead Sea Scrolls to Classic Gnosticism; but more analysis of these texts will grant a sharper picture of Greco-Roman era Judaism, as well as perhaps the genesis of Christianity and its heretical branches.
3. Tau Malachi’s near death accident. The Bishop of the Ecclesia Pistis Sophia and prolific author was seriously injured in a car wreck on August 8. He received damage to his lungs, ribs, collar bone and head, remaining on life support and in intensive care for several weeks. Malachi was able to recover gradually and has actually returned to his post at his church with more passion and energy than ever before.
2. The raging accomplishments of GIT, solidifying it as the world’s beacon of Gnostic truths and revelations. Some of these momentous achievements include the discovery of The Gospel of Mathershalalhashbaz, trademarking the word Gnosis, creating a TSA-type scanner that recognizes Gnostics, lobbying to allow furries in the military, the construction of a Gnostic mega-church near the Vatican, and the public burning of thousands of Kindles storing orthodox scriptures. The future is so bright, GIT’s spokesperson Demi Urge has gotta wear shades!
Of course, the main Gnostic story of 2010 is the same the same as 2009:
1. A human being had gnosis (even if it was a furry). As Clark Emery wrote, “The awakening of any individual is a cosmic event.” Even if only person on Earth has direct contact with the Godhead, sees through the veils of false reality cast by the god of this world, and does what he or she can to vanquish cosmic ignorance that will always be the greatest event of the year in the Gnostic worldview.
GIT urges that if any individual has an issue with the list content or rankings, please immediately visit the nearest PRIC facility for treatment. 2011 promises to be an even more exiting year for Gnostic occurrences. But that can only happen if all Gnostics are equal and agree under the standards of GIT. Individuality and spiritual liberation are important, but there must be a central authority to impede any potential anarchy.
IMPORTANT UPDATE-- Burnt-out podcaster and hack-writer named Miguel Conner attempted to make a public case for his book Voices of Gnosticism making the list, but he was immediately sent back to a PRIC facility. He will more than likely be given a...
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